I've been distant from my blog (and honestly quite a bit of everything else, too) since my miscarriage in November. While most days I am doing much better than I was the month before, or the day before, it still weighs heavily on my heart and my shoulders. As a result, I've been a bit detached from a lot of my friends, normal activities, and social networking. It is hard to pretend everything is OK when everyone else who grieved with me has moved on- as they should- but I find myself unable to. When I sign on my blog to write, this is the first thing that comes to my mind. I imagine this is going on weigh on my heart for some time.
So, what else has been going on around here? Well, let me tell you!
I just started back up with school for Winter Quarter. I am taking two accounting related courses, which has me a little stressed out. They're both online because Spencer's schedule will be changing a lot shortly, and that makes me wary. I found out after I registered that you are required to use a Windows version of Quickbooks for one, and I have a Mac. There are going to be a lot of days at the Computer Lab at school or at my parent's house to get that all done because I don't want to 1) Buy a new laptop or 2) Drop the class. I know there are ways to run Windows on a Mac, but my MacBook is ancient so I don't want to try.
I finally learned how to knit! I've only actually completed one project, and otherwise I have just been practicing. I am working on a faux-Noro striped scarf right now, and I am loving the way it is turning out! I also crocheted my dad and husband hats (it took me forever to find a beanie pattern that I was willing to use for a guy). I was thinking about crocheting a bunch of projects for friends who are pregnant, but I'm having a hard time with the newborn stuff lately, so I will probably won't for now.
Otherwise, things are pretty much status quo around here. We had a great Christmas and are planning Adalyn's upcoming 2nd Birthday! It is going to be amazing! I hope you are all doing well and I am going to try to get back into the swing of things.
I probably should have thought to mention this before but, for some reason, I didn't. The way you're feeling about your loss is okay, and it's perfectly normal. When I lost my pregnancy in 2009 it was one of the more difficult things I had ever been through. We'd known for a couple of months that we were expecting a baby and then BOOM it was gone. I was unable to shake it and sometimes I felt like people around me, who didn't seem to care about what had happened (later on down the road) thought I was being ridiculous because it wasn't something I could move past. I took the weekend that we were due with that baby off of work (several months later, it was still bothering me). Finally I went out in search of a special box where I stored our sonogram photo, pregnancy test (which I kept, because I'm weird), the hospital band from my DnC and a few other artifacts including a bear we had purchased for our little one when we found out we were expecting. My husband and I named the baby Elijah Steven, because that was the name we had picked out for a boy, and we finally laid him to rest (so to speak). We keep that box in our shrunk, as a reminder that our baby is always with us even if we never got to hold him in our arms. I don't know if something like that would help you and Spencer or not but I figured it was worth sharing. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk, know that I am here for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I know my situation is different, but it's hard when everyone else moves on with their life and you're still sitting back wondering why. You are entitled to grieve as long as you need to and I'll be thinking of you <3
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